To those entering the institution of marriage this week, I trust you will find this manual by Dr Joe Abah useful. There is no template for a happy marriage, but the expectations and realities are largely similar. This speaks to all couples across different stages (shared as seen):
“If I think about marriage, I think there are roughly 4 phases but this is not a general rule. [WARNING: LONG POST ALERT!]
“Phase 1:
Newly married. Madly in love. Everything is “My husband…” /My wife…” Still enjoying yourselves. Spending money on nice things for each other. Going out often. Planning the future together. Sweet phase.
“Phase 2:
The kids have started to come. Money is no longer enough. Stress and tension enters the marriage. The fights and arguments start. Communication is strained and each party may talk more to the kids than to each other.
“Career is just getting to mid-management level and there is tension between being committed to work (so that career can advance) and being a good father/ mother and husband/ wife.
“Each party wants to be proved right, as if they are collecting points in a competition for which they will get a trophy. Each party wants to claim their entitlement as husband or wife. Neither party treats the other with kindness. It is all about responsibility.
“This is a very dangerous phase. If you are not careful, the marriage will crash at this stage.
“Phase 3:
If the marriage survives Phase 2, there is then a phase of settlement. Career is better now. More money is coming in, although responsibilities are mounting. Now, you may build or buy your first house.
“Each party will still complain about the other, sometimes to others. Each party will start to occasionally do nice things for each other again but because they have complained so much to others for so long, they can’t go back and say nice things about their spouse.
“Looking at the couple, single people would have formed the impression that marriage is nothing but pain, suffering and heartache. They don’t get to hear the sweet parts.
“The kids have become teenagers and school fees and rent/ mortgage are the biggest expenses in the house. The money available just about covers it.
“There is the expectation of what the kids could become in future and the hope helps the marriage. The couple rally round to tackle the financial challenges.
“However, at this stage too, one party may also feel that they want or deserve more, and walk away from the marriage. You will hear “I deserve to be happy and to enjoy my life. This can’t be all there is to this life. I want more.” Bad friends become much more prominent at this stage.
“You could hear “I have just realised that I never really loved him/her.” Of course, sensible people will ask behind your back: “You just realised after 15 years of marriage and 3 kids, ba?????
“Phase 4:
The kids have started to leave home. It is now both of you alone most of the time. Initially, it would be awkward because the kids have always been a buffer for each party.
“You then relearn communicating with each other again. Laughing again. Watching movies together again. Everyone is tired of the fights. Nobody is threatening to leave the marriage anymore. It’s too late for that now.
“Saying sorry comes a lot easier. You then realise that all the pressures were external to both of you. You are kinder and nicer to each other. You start to appreciate how your spouse has helped your life. Your kids fill you with pride.
“Before you know it, you finally have your husband back. You finally have your wife back.
“So, if you married the love of your life, stay with it. Don’t give up. You’ll get through the tough times.
“And you both will live happily ever after. ????
Merry Christmas. ????”
